Monday, January 29, 2007

Fooling us on the Sly

Don't ask me why, but I am addicted to 80s Sylvester Stallone movies. It all started with casual channel surfing three weeks ago. As I lazied my way from TBS to SciFi, I came across Rambo II on AMC. Instantly enthralled by the explosive action of a bow-wielding Vietnam vet who is busy rescuing American POWs out of Vietnam, I forgot about my 6 o'clock appointment with Stargate Atlantis. I have seen the movie many times, but it's been 10 years or so since my last viewing.

Since then, I have come across a few other Stallone movies on TV. The worst (i.e. best) of the bunch is Cobra. Here Sly plays the laconic Det. Cobretti, a tough and unshaved sort-of man who is willing to act ruthlessly and roughly with the worst of L.A.'s thuggary. Cobra, short for Cobretti, single handedly defeats a militia group who is bent on bringing about a revolution through their own brand of terror tactics, namely a murder spree on the streets of L.A (maybe not what Marx had in mind). But when the militia group's leader is spotted doing murder by a passerby, the anonymity of the entire organization is threatened by this witness's potential testimony to the police. The militia group tries to kill the witness; Cobra defend the witness and defeats the militia. Fini.

There is no surprise that the witness is a supermodel who, like Cobra, happens to be single and to Cobra's delight "a little crazy". The attraction between the two is instantaneous. The surprise in the whole movie is the tightness of Cobra's jeans and how he is able to perform the necessary acrobatics to defend the supermodel and defeat the militia group. The jeans are as tight as a second skin, and despite the absence of room for even an oxygen molecule, Cobra manages to carry his gun tucked in the front of his jeans. Every time Cobra shoots off his pistol, he never worries about an overheated barrel as he "holsters" the weapon in the waist of his pants. He never burns his abdomen, and never complains about the hot zipper effect that you could expect from a hot barrel touching the copper-teeth and pull lever on pants. Heat should go all the way down leaving a long linear burn in the down-there area. No worries for Cobra though.

(According to my friend Snotboy he most likely enjoyed it. After killing bad guys, and making the sweetness with the supermodel, he probably ejected a Klingon growl and put his gun away. Who knows what things people do to remind themselves of being alive)

Some shit is just too unbelievable. What is worse is that I sit and watch it.


Blogger pughd said...

Maybe this surprises you, but the rest of us understand it well. It's clear that Sly is your role model and idol. It's time you admitted this to yourself and moved on.

I think what you really need for closure is a journey to LA to meet your spiritual father and have the moment that you so need. Otherwise you'll be doomed to keep acting out your fantasies by 'rescuing' hostages you find in the arb.

Nobody wants a repeat of what happened last time.

12:13 PM  

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